For starters, gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse and psychological manipulation that makes the person or victim question themselves, their beliefs, and their reality.
You often hear about gaslighting being mentioned in movies, magazines, or other resources. But in reality, not everyone realizes they’re being gaslighted the moment it’s happening to them. Sometimes, you only notice it too late when you’re already emotionally exhausted, abused, and eventually completely lost yourself.
Anyone can be a target of gaslighting, and it commonly happens in romantic relationships. If one is unaware of the signs or the red flags of gaslighting, the person won’t have a clue that they’re already being gaslighted since it’s often done slowly. The person won’t realize that they’re already brainwashed. Over time, gaslighting will crush the victim’s confidence and self-esteem, leaving the person more dependent and emotionally attached to the abuser (the person who gaslights).
One way to avoid confining yourself in a toxic relationship filled with gaslighting is by knowing the red flags. If you recognize the signs of gaslighting, you’ll be able to stand up for yourself and, better yet, get out of the relationship before the abuser fully takes control of you.
For your guide, here are four red flags of gaslighting in relationships that you should be aware of.
-
Constant Lying
The most apparent sign of gaslighting is constant lying. Their constant lying is used to control you and make you question yourself. When your partner gaslights you, they tell you outright lies with a straight face. Even if you are sure they’re lying, you can’t help but doubt yourself whether to believe them or not because they’re establishing a precedent to challenge your sense of reality or perception.
Furthermore, a few counseling websites claim that gaslighting is used as a tool to make the victim think that they’re the abuser and the gaslighter can play the victim role. For example, well beings counselling explains that every time the gaslighter constantly lies, they will discredit your opinions and belittle your thoughts to get their point (or their false scenario) across and ultimately gain control over you. As a result, you end up feeling unsteady, and you’ll begin to second-guess yourself and your perceptions.
-
Denies The Behavior Despite Having Proof
Besides their constant lying, another red flag of a gas lighter is that they’ll deny what they did or said despite showing them proof. For example, suppose you’ve caught your partner cheating on you in their workplace, or maybe you’ve read text messages from their phone that show they’re seeing someone else.
Naturally, you’ll ask them and confront them about it to give them a chance to fess up and be honest. However, instead of confessing or apologizing, they’ll deny their behavior and make you feel guilty.
They might say something like:
‘How dare you accuse me? I spend long hours at work for us while you’re not doing anything. And if I was really cheating, you can’t blame me because you barely have any time or attention for me.’
Even if you have proof or you’ve seen it with your two eyes, you can’t help but question yourself or blame yourself for their cheating because you weren’t a good partner to them. As a result, you drop the subject, accept their alibi, and make up with them instead.
-
Dismisses Your Feelings
In a healthy relationship, your spouse or partner should be your best listener when you need someone to express your thoughts or feelings. However, if your current partner constantly dismisses your feelings and downplays your concerns, this is a huge red flag of gaslighting.
Instead of listening to you and addressing the issues, they’ll turn things around and say something like:
- ‘You’re overreacting.’
- ‘You’re just blowing things out of proportion.’
- ‘You’re being too sensitive.’
- ‘What’s the big deal?’
- ‘Geez, it’s just a joke.’
- ‘Why you’re so jealous?’
- ‘What’s gotten into you?’
- ‘You shouldn’t feel that way!’
Unfortunately, these phrases can quickly make you feel wrong for feeling or thinking things the way you did, eventually destroying your self-esteem. And since you’re manipulated and believed to be wrong, you end up apologizing to the gaslighter for raising or speaking up for your concerns.
-
Attack Your Family, Friends, And Anyone Other Than Themselves
Another way you can tell you’re being gaslighted is if your partner attacks your family and friends to tear you away from them. This is exactly when to break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend, as you must clearly understand that by such behaviors your partner no longer wants to stay with you, and thus there’s no point in ‘dragging’ this failed relationship anymore. In short, your abuser (gaslighter) wants all of you only for themselves. While this kind of possessiveness may flatter you at first, as you may assume that they’re just wholly devoted to you, sooner or later, you’ll see that they have a different reason for keeping you to themselves.
Most gaslighters don’t want their victims exposed to other people as they fear their friends or family will see through their gaslighting or manipulation. And so, they’ll convince you to dedicate more time to them and tell you that you can’t trust others. In the worst case, they’ll lie and say bad things about their friends or family to put them in a bad light. Ultimately, the goal is to separate you from the outside world so you’ll be entirely under their control.
Key Takeaway
If you detect these red flags in your current relationship, remember that you’re not the problem, and you’re definitely not the one to be blamed for your abuser’s behavior. Gaslighters are the only ones responsible for their actions.
So, remember these red flags and avoid falling into your gaslighter’s trap. Better yet, learn to let them go and break yourself away from that toxic relationship.